The language of the personal ad, explained: nineteenth-century phrases found in the archive, and the modern abbreviations that replaced them.
Personal ads have always had their own grammar, because every word cost money and every line had to carry a person. Historical entries are dated from ads in The Personals Archive, each linked to its original page. Modern entries give the earliest example we have found, which is not a claim of first use, and say so when we have no reliable date. We keep pushing those dates back as better evidence turns up.
The story behind the wordsFrom Object Matrimony to LTR: How Personal Ads Learned to Talk in CodeHow "object matrimony" became LTR: 170 years of personal ad shorthand, from the matrimonial papers to Craigslist and the apps. Kink rolesKink Roles in Personal AdsWhat 90 roles mean, from Dom and Switch to Brat-tamer and Rope Bunny, grouped by family with the roles each one pairs with.Know a term we are missing, or an earlier example of one we have? Send it to us. Here is what we need.
Words that, in some 1920s personal ads, could signal a gay or lesbian writer to readers who recognized them.
A numbered box at the newspaper where replies to an ad were collected, so the writer never had to print a name or address.
Open-minded and tolerant, and at times a signal of something more.
The code in The Hobby Directory for the kind of correspondence a member wanted.
A formal way of asking someone to write: please communicate with box 150.
Pleasant, agreeable company: someone the writer would enjoy spending time with.
Someone to exchange letters with. Wanting a correspondent could be the first step toward marriage, or simply a wish for letters.
Enjoys going out and having fun.
Mail held at the post office for a person to collect, with no street address needed.
A request, usually in a missed connection, asking the other person to agree to meet: will the lady grant acquaintance?
A helper and partner, usually a wife.
A promise that replies would be kept private: address, in confidence, or all answers strictly confidential.
The heading of a notice asking readers for news of a missing or out-of-touch person.
Printers’ codes at the end of a newspaper ad, such as 1t or 3t, telling staff, not readers, how many times to run it.
Short for instant: of the current month. The 9th inst. meant the 9th of this month.
A meeting. To grant an interview was to agree to meet in person.
To court: to go out together regularly as a couple.
Personal ads, or the clubs and columns that ran them.
An unmarried woman, usually a young one, as in maid or widow.
Open to marriage, and looking for someone who is too.
Not rich: comfortable enough, but no fortune.
Clean living: no drinking, gambling or bad company.
Replies from marriage brokers not wanted.
A warning that only serious replies were wanted: no one looking to flirt, play games or waste the writer's time.
A formula stating that the writer's purpose is marriage: object meaning goal or aim.
A playful twist on object matrimony: the writer wants company, not a husband.
Affectionate by nature.
Having money or property. A lady of means or a gentleman of means was financially comfortable.
A request, at the head or foot of a notice, asking other newspapers to reprint it.
Courting someone, or showing them interest.
A friend made and kept through letters.
The section of a newspaper, usually headed Personal or Personals, where private individuals paid to print short messages to the public or to one particular reader.
An offer, or a condition, that both sides would send each other a picture.
An offer to trade references, people who could vouch for the writer, the way a job applicant would.
Well mannered, cultured, and respectable; a word of social standing as much as personality.
A woman whose husband was away in the armed forces.
The writer has recently arrived and knows almost no one.
The railroad train or streetcar; in the cars meant aboard the train.
Free of ties: in personal ads, without dependents or other obligations.
Prosperous; comfortably off.
The classic opening of a missed connection: a question addressed to someone the writer saw but did not speak to.
The standard polite phrase for wanting to meet someone, used in ads written by both men and women.
A slightly softer way of saying object matrimony: the writer hopes the acquaintance will lead to marriage.
Send a real letter, not just a name and address.
The writer uses cannabis, or doesn't mind a partner who does.
A request, usually the first message in an online chat, for someone's age, sex and location.
A promise from the writer to reply to everyone who writes back.
Self-descriptions used by larger people, and by those looking for them.
An umbrella term for kink involving power, restraint or intensity, practiced by consent.
Happiness at a partner's happiness with someone else: the opposite of jealousy.
A relationship or dynamic in which one person takes control and the other gives it, by agreement.
A claim or request about health and drug use, common in casual personals.
Practical and unpretentious.
Relationships where the people involved agree that they are not exclusive.
The writer has a steady income or savings.
Friends who also have a sexual relationship, without the commitment of dating.
The writer has, or wants someone with, a good sense of humor. Mainly British.
Codes from gay personals giving orientation, race and sex, in the same pattern as SWF.
A description of build, or a preference for a partner whose weight is in proportion to their height.
Offline, in person.
Introduces what the writer is looking for, as in DWM, 42, ISO SWF.
A relationship between people who live far apart.
Short for the lifestyle, which is what swingers call swinging and the community around it.
The writer is looking for something lasting rather than casual.
Codes placed at the start of an online personal to show who is writing and who they are looking for. On Reddit: F4M, M4F.
Who is in a threesome: MFM is two men and a woman, and FFM two women and a man.
The writer has no children, or wants a partner without them.
The rush of excitement at the start of a new relationship.
Codes for smoking, drug and drinking habits.
A casual arrangement with no commitment expected on either side.
A single encounter, with no plan to meet again.
Having, or open to, more than one loving relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge and consent.
An envelope with a stamp and your address, sent so the other person can reply at no cost.
Friendship only, with no romance or sex.
Something with a time limit, or at least no long-term plan.
Part of a code system describing the writer or the person sought: marital status (S single, D divorced, M married), race or ethnicity (W white, B black), sometimes orientation (G gay, Bi bisexual), and gender (M or F).
The classic romantic ideal, abbreviated.
Codes used in personals to describe gender identity or presentation. TS and TV are dated and often considered offensive; TG, and more simply trans, are the usual words today.
In ENM dating, a bisexual woman who is open to dating an existing couple.
On swinger sites, a vouch from a member who has met someone in person that they are real and who they say they are.
Conventional, without kink. Used for sex, and for people who are not into kink.
A self-description, or a requirement.
Introduces the kind of person the writer wants to meet. Mainly British.
The writer would move for the right person.
Seen an abbreviation or phrase in a personal ad, old or new, that is not here? Or found an earlier example of one that is? Send it to archive@aseeksb.com with the subject Dictionary suggestion. We check every entry before it goes in, and we will credit you by the name you choose.
We read every suggestion, but we cannot promise to add every one.
If you know personal ads, you may notice some famous abbreviations are missing. That is deliberate, not an oversight. Personal ads also built up a large vocabulary of explicit sexual shorthand, everyday words used as code for paid services and illegal activity, which are not allowed on AseeksB under our posting guidelines, and phrases whose main job was to exclude people for their bodies or identities. We know them, and we have left them out. This dictionary is about how people described themselves and what they were looking for.
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